


Recovery

by orphan_account



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 10:24:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9718490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I don't think I can recover." I had never once thought about a life where I didn't feel the need to do this to myself. I couldn't wrap my mind around it; it seemed too far fetched, and my brain just kind of shut down at the mere thought of it. "I don't know if I want to."Jihyun tightened his arms around my torso, and rested his chin as gently as he could on the top of my head. "Don't say that, Saeran. You can recover. We both can - and will - and we'll do it by leaning and depending on each other. You don't have to shoulder this alone. Not while I'm here."





	1. Self Harm and Self Destruction

I hazily glanced down at the thin, even lines thatcovered my wrists, transfixed by the amount of blood that was slowly dripping down my arm and pooling together on the tile in between my legs. I could never really stand the sight of blood - even in TV shows, too much of it was enough to make me woozy - but my own was a different story. Watching it fall from my arm in steady little droplets, I felt nothing. No panic, no nausea, no pain.

After only a few seconds more, I allowed myself to float back down to reality, and quickly began cleaning up my mess. I didn't know how long I had been in here, but I knew that if I waited any longer, my twin brother would without a doubt come charging in, disappointed in me like he always was when he found me like this.

Saeyoung and I had been in foster care for the last three years. Our father was nonexistent, and our mother was abusive. I was born weaker and more fragile than Saeyoung, and my mother never once let me forget how unacceptable that was. While my brother was allowed to do as he pleased, I was kept inside my entire life, usually tied to a wall or a chair to prevent Saeyoung and myself from "getting any ideas". By the time I was seven, I was fully convinced that I'd die before I ever saw the light of day for myself.

Life went on like that until the both of us were fourteen, when the handsome stranger with hair and eyes as blue as the sky came to save us. He and his fiance attended the same church as Saeyoung, and had come to the conclusion that Saeyoung was in trouble upon learning about my existence. He hadn't meant to tell them. Nobody was supposed to know about me, and our mother was very good at making sure Saeyoung kept his mouth shut. I'm not quite sure what made him slip up, but I'll never forget the day the man known as Jihyun Kim freed us from our hell on earth.

"Saeran?" I jumped at the sudden noise, Vanderwood's deep voice wrecking my train of thought. He knocked on the door twice, before repeating my name and knocking three times more. "Saeran, is everything alright in there? You'd better not be dirtying up my nice, clean bathroom! I spent nearly two hours in there this morning!"

Typical Vanderwood. He was our "foster father", more or less, and also the biggest neat freak I knew. I tossed the toilet paper and alcohol wipes I had been using to clean myself up into the toilet, and immediately flushed them away into oblivion. "I'm not dirtying up your bathroom. Get a grip, Mr. Clean." I reached into the first aid kit from beside me on the floor, and pulled out a large gauze bandage. "I'll be out in a few, just relax."

"Well, hurry your ass up, Mr. Too Cool For School. Jihyun is downstairs, and he's waiting for you."

 _Jihyun?_  I wrapped up my wrist as quickly as I could, really only going for speed, rather than accuracy. I loved it when Jihyun came to visit me, seeing as he was the only person in existence who understood the war that was constantly waging inside of my head. Slipping the first aid kit into the top drawer of the bathroom sink, I threw on my hoodie and took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door, and coming face to face with Vanderwood. "Thank you for informing me that my date has finally arrived. I don't know when I'll be back, but I will be at some point. Maybe."

"You'll be back by midnight, per usual," Vanderwood snorted, running his fingers through my bright red hair and messing it up a little. "There's a twenty in the change jar by the door. Go ahead and take it, treat yourselves to some lunch."

I gave Vanderwood the harshest glare I could manage as I attempted to get my hair back into place, but on the inside, my heart was thumping as I could feel all tension and anxiety leave my body at the thought of Jihyun being just downstairs. After his fiance, Rika, had committed suicide nearly two and a half years ago, his life had started to spiral out of control, much similarly to mine. I'm not sure how, or when it started, exactly, but the two of us had grown relatively close since then, our "bad thoughts", you could say, bringing us together. Jihyun was the only person that understood what I went through on a daily basis, and because of that, he was the only one I found myself being one hundred percent comfortable around. I didn't have to hide anything from him, nor him from me, and the mutual understanding we had with each other was enough to make all of the pain go away, at least temporarily while we were together.

I walked down the stairs as calmly as I could,muttering a quick goodbye to Vanderwood as he walked Jihyun and I to the door, shutting it behind us before going about the rest of his day. It was then, and only then, that I allowed the tears I had been holding in all morning to fall. Jihyun said nothing at all, only pulling me into a hug and whispering, "It's okay. I'm here now."


	2. Fucked Up, But Not Broken

We stood like that for an unknown amount of time, the only thing eventually snapping us back to reality being my twin brother. "What're you two still doing here?" he asked, stepping outside onto the front porch. He brushed a few strands of his firey red hair out of his face and gave Jihyun and I a weird look, his honey colored eyes eyeing us suspiciously. "Weren't you supposed to leave a half hour ago? What're you doing making out on the porch?"

"We weren't making out," I sniffed, pulling away from Jihyun's embrace and wiping my nose with my jacket sleeve. "Things aren't even like that. I'm only seventeen. Jihyun is twenty one and too old for me." Things may or may not have been like that, due to the fact that we frequently fooled around when we were alone, but being completely honest with myself, I wasn't really sure what the two of us were. I don't even think Jihyun knew. Not that Saeyoung had to know any of that, though. "Where are you going? I haven't seen you leave your computer in days." It was an obvious change in subject, but I really was curious as to where he was going. I had a rough idea, but Saeyoung spent more time in front of his damn computer than being an actual human being, and seeing him leave the house was a rare sight.

Now it was his turn to be flustered as he quickly covered his cheeks with his hands, and cleared his throat before speaking. "That's none of your business. I'm just going out." I looked my brother up and down, raising an eyebrow in suspicion before dropping the subject completely. The three of us knew that he was going to see Yoosung, though Jihyun and I knew he'd never admit to it. I'm not quite sure where he met Yoosung, or why somebody would ever want to spawn a friendship, or even a relationship, with my brother, but I just shrugged my shoulders and let it go. I knew I didn't have any room to be talking, considering my current state of mind and odd relationship with Jihyun, so the two of us bid Saeyoung farewell and took off down the street, opposite of the direction Saeyoung was headed in.

"I'm sorry we have to walk everywhere," Jihyun apologized, taking my hand in his and very gently squeezing it. Jihyun was going blind, and it would be less than a year before his vision disappeared completely. I was never clear on the circumstances behind his vision problems, but never asked because it always seemed irrelevant. "But, I suppose it's better to walk and stay alive, than to drive and risk death." He gave a harsh laugh, and it wasn't hard to guess what he was thinking. Ever since Rika had committed suicide, Jihyun struggled with the very same thoughts on a daily basis.

"You don't have to be sorry. I can't drive either." I was at the age where I could start learning, but due to my severe paranoia, anxiety, and proneness to panic attacks, Vanderwood had forbidden me from even sitting behind the wheel in a parked car. The thought of me panicking while driving, or even learning how to drive, always sent him into a frenzy. "We don't live far, though, and downtown is only a half hour walk from here. I really don't mind as long as I get to keep spending time with you." I tightened my grip on Jihyun's hand, and took a deep breath. "I did something bad this morning."

"I know." I didn't even have to tell him what I did. My breakdown earlier was enough to get the message across. "What triggered it?" That was what I liked most about Jihyun. He always made sure his questions were vague enough to not upset me, but blunt enough to make me understand that he meant more than what he was asking.

I thought for a moment, trying to remember how I felt before I had the attack and ended up in the bathroom. "I don't know. I was reading a new manhua online, and-" I stopped mid sentence, understanding suddenly clicking in my brain. "That's what did it. The manhua. We were learning more about the main character's past, and when I realized how similar it was to mine, I guess I just sort of...lost it." I stopped walking, and stood where I was, tears welling up in the corners of my eyes once more. "Why am I like this, Jihyun? Why can't I just read things like a normal person without being sent into an anxiety attack?" I stared at the ground, not wanting to meet Jihyun's clouded blue eyes, but was met with his hand suddenly gripping onto my chin. He didn't say anything, but I knew that was my cue to look up, and did as I was silently told.

"There is nothing wrong with you, Saeran." His voice was firm, and the hardness in his tone sent a shiver running down my spine. "Because if there's something wrong with you, then that means there's something wrong with me, and I'm not ready to admit that yet." We stared at each other for a few seconds more until Jihyun broke the awkward silence with gentle kiss to my lips. "We're both fucked up. You know that. I know that. Everyone knows that. That's why Vanderwood lets you hang out with me. He thinks that we'll somehow be able to pull each other out of this hole we're both in, even though all we do is sink deeper and deeper. But, just because we're fucked up, that does not mean that we're broken. Broken means irreparable, and that is something we are not. Do you understand me?" I said nothing, only giving him a small nod of the head. "Good." Jihyun kissed the top of my head, and the two of us continued in silence down the sidewalk, his words hanging in the air like a damp cloth.  _Just because we're fucked up, that does not mean that we're broken._


End file.
